OnyenenyeonyenenyePosted by Martin "Emmanuel C. Vater"

restaurant, waiter, spend, story

Once upon a time, back in the days, in Bariga before students began to move in en masse, there was a young guy known as Onyenenyeonyenenye (which means the one who gives those that give).

Now Onyenenyeonyenenye was very popular in Bariga not because of his long name, or because he was a habitual "skirt-chaser", or even because the back of his head was so flat that everyone was convinced that it was made by a carpenter (like for real his head was really really flat, flat as if it was made from wooden planks or something similar)

Excuse my unfair comparison, but Onyenenyeonyenenye wasn't famous for his "flat" head. Rather he was popular because of his excess and extravagant generosity. Onyenenyeonyenenye was a baller, a big-money blower, and was famous for spending lavishly. If you wanted to get a free plate of the best Egusi soup in Bariga, just go to Temptation Hotspot by 5:30 in the evening and you'll be sure to get a full tray of food – bills on Onyenenyeonyenenye.



But one day, a good friend of Onyenenyeonyenenye's oga met him at Lagos Island and said to him "Omo, your boy is really trying oo. He's a real baller, a big money spender. I swear I was at Temptation Hotspot yesterday and I ate three plates of fufu and Egusi with two bottles of Fearless and I didn't pay a dime! – all bills on your boy Onyenenyeonyenenye. If you go yourself, you would get a full pot of takeaway!"

Onyenenyeonyenenye's oga was shocked. "Onyenenyeonyenenye?" He asked incredulously. You mean my boy, the one that manages one of my shops at Bariga? You must be joking!"


And his friend smiled and said "I am not messing with you. I don't need to say anything else. Let's go to Temptation Hotspot this evening." 

That evening, Temptation Hotspot was filled to the brim as usual. Onyenenyeonyenenye had just declared free plates of food for everyone and food was being passed around freely.

Onyenenyeonyenenye himself was in the dimly lit inner restaurant, drinking the best beer the restaurant had to offer while being entertained by three delightful girls, none of them above the age of 17. The girls were caressing the back of his flat head and feeding him fried dog meat, while Fela music was blasting from the speakers. Life was good.


Then a waiter came in and gave Onyenenyeonyenenye a plate of hot pepper soup. She told him that "one big Oga" outside bought the food for him.


Onyenenyeonyenenye was stunned. His mouth fell wide open and his eyes nearly popped out of his head. A plate of pepper soup? For him? What nonsense!! He pushed the girls away from him and stood up. He turned to the waiter and shouted "What?? Onye ne nye onye ne nye?! (Who dares to give the one who gives?!)".


The waiter was frightened by Onyenenyeonyenenye's angry outburst. After all, she was a frail woman that was probably older than Abraham, Issac and Methuselah combined.

She pointed Onyenenyeonyenenye to the outer restaurant where the "big oga" was. Onyenenyeonyenenye quickly pushed her aside and marched into the outer bar roaring "Onye ne nye onye ne nye?! (Who dares to give the one who gives?!)


The entire restaurant fell quiet as Onyenenyeonyenenye marched in. He looked around frantically for the "big Oga" that had offended him. What an insult, he thought. I am Onyenenyeonyenenye, I am the one who is so big that I give to those who give! Who dares try to give me?


Then the old waiter pointed to a small table near the standing fan. There Onyenenyeonyenenye saw his boss and his boss's friend sitting down gingerly looking at him. Game Over.


Well, that was the last that was heard of Onyenenyeonyenenye. Some say the last time they saw him was when he was on a one-way bus heading back to his village in the east; some say they last saw him kneeling and begging his boss for forgiveness while blaming all his actions on the devil; while most people swear they remember seeing his boss chasing him around the bar with a long wooden plank – a plank as flat as the back of his head.


Well, one thing was sure tho – that was the last that was ever heard of Onyenenyeonyenenye.


I'm sure all of Bariga missed his free food tho 🍺. But now we have OrderEat, well I guess they have less to worry about.